When Decluttering Your Home

Decluttering is difficult to do alone. That is nearly a universal truth, at least in my humble experience. But who do you turn to when you want to NOT do something alone? The answer is often family, but family relationships can be particularly fraught.

I was recently reading one of my favorite organizing books, ADHD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau, and they talk a lot about enlisting family and friends to help, which can be vital especially for someone experiencing Chronic Disorganization for any reason. But unfortunately, in my experience as an organizer, I have encountered far too many unhelpful family members.

Which is definitely a biased view- I think we see these issues as often as we do because the client is usually hiring a professional to help them because they are getting no help from family. Here is a short and definitely non-exhaustive list of ways I have seen family hinder the organization process:

• They often think we will just come in and throw things away without asking (which no organizar should EVER EVER do).
• The family member (not to generalize, but this family member is generally male) doesn’t see any problem with the space.
• “We might need that someday” syndrome, which we regularly see in both clients and their family members.
• They say things like “I don’t see why you just can’t do it yourself,” while not attempting to actually understand why OR help in any way.
• Family members outside of the household say they can’t get rid of things- they are using our client as unpaid storage bc they want the item(s), but don’t have space for them, or keep forgetting to get the item(s).
• And, the most legitimate complaint (IMO)- if they move things I won’t be able to find them. Which, fair, but if you help us do it, you might.

This situation can be difficult. You want to make changes and improve your life, your household, your family’s lives, and you experience nothing but pushback. What can you do? I have a few tips.

1. Set very clear boundaries regarding space and stuff

This can be particularly difficult in a marriage or partnership because many couples regard their space and their things as completely shared. This isn’t about ownership, however, it is about responsibilities. In fact, instead of dividing spaces or things, you can divide tasks. For example, one partner can be responsible for kitchen gadgets while the other is responsible for dealing with the materials required for doing laundry. Or you can divide by who uses the items more often- for example, my husband is responsible for all things related to our 3D printer, while books fall into my jurisdiction. The trick to this is, you have to be just as respectful of whatever division you make as you expect your partner to be. You do not impose your wants onto their spaces/items/tasks, as long as they don’t interfere with your daily life.

2. Have a discussion about what done/clean/etc looks like

I think a lot of conflict in families about chores comes down to miscommunication. One member of the family asks another to clean the kitchen. The other member does it, but not exactly as the first intended. Chaos ensues. If both parties knew what “done” looked like, things might go a little more smoothly. I have had a decent amount of success using this tactic with my youngest child regarding cleaning her room. We discussed what “done” meant to both of us and made a list that we both agreed on. Now when she goes to clean her room we both know exactly what the expectation is and there is a lot less conflict.

3. Like with #1, set clear clutter boundaries

This could manifest in many ways, but as an example- let your family know that the kitchen table is going to be cleared off tomorrow, and that you would do your best to sort it but that you will be making the final decision about what to keep and what to toss. That will give them time to “rescue” anything that is important to them. You can also have designated “mess” areas, where clutter is more tolerated.

4. Have drop zones for EVERYONE in the household

Launch pads and PLANNED drop zones (not haphazard ones) are key to getting a handle on family clutter. Have a place for everything that generally gets carried in and dropped by the door- shoes, jackets, bags, keys, and wallets especially. Kids might also need spots for homework and school forms. If you have a larger or a multi level home it’s also helpful to have a spot for things that need to be returned to other parts of the house- my kids have baskets where I put stuff they need to return to their room, and I have another for things that need to be carried to the basement.

5. Communicate your needs to your partner, and hold them accountable for considering them

I said above that I am trying not to gender-generalize this, but I see it most the male partner, especially in Gen X and Boomer couples. We are there helping their wife organize. Husband walks through and we attempt to make conversation. They make a comment about not being excited, or not seeing the need, etc. And this is definitely not all men in that age group, but it is definitely something that I don’t see women do to each other, and far less often in younger couples.

If the condition of your home is making your life more difficult, you deserve change. And you are not solely responsible for making that change if you live in a shared environment. Yes, you should manage your own expectations as well- most peoples’ homes are going to look lived in most of the time. But if your partner won’t take your need for change seriously, it might be time to look for other help. Like a professional organizer. Or a couples counselor. Or a divorce attorney (joking… mostly).

I hope these tips are helpful. Organizing in a shared household, or even with the help of outside family members (but I didn’t address that here, since the best solution is usually don’t ask the problem family member), can either make the task more managable and enjoyable if you have open, supportive family members. But if you don’t consider setting up a consult with me or any other personal organizer, or find a supportive friend who can help.